Thursday, 29 September 2016

6 weeks into my first rotation and I feel like quitting. This is no exaggeration. Medicine is hard. And it feels like at the moment I'm having as many good days as I am bad days. If you hate your work half the time then it's probably not for you. I don't know how much of it is just classic newbie feeling out of depth or whether 2 years down the line I'll feel exactly the same.

When you see ill patients, you see people at one of the lowest parts of their lives. You see a lot of pain and confusion. You see a lot of older patients who are confused and become violent, patients who are frustrated because they don't want to be in hospital and people who are grieving. And you get all the emotion. You get all the bitterness, the anxiety, the swinging fists. All of it.

I just can't see when it starts to get enjoyable. I keep wondering how much good I'm actually doing. Especially with a lot of chronic illnesses, you're just trying to get them back to a level they were before. To a baseline that wasn't that great to begin with has now become their norm.

Imagine learning to drive. Instead of the driving instructor sitting beside you with one foot hovering over the break they decide to watch you go and wave at you from the sideline. Suddenly you're on the motorway with all the cars speeding past at 100 miles per hour and you're only able to go at 10 because you don't have a clue how to speed up. No one's told you what the different gears are, you can't remember which pedals the accelerator or the brake. You're just trying your best to not create a giant collision. That's what it feels like to be an F1. You've got 20 sick patients to look after, now go figure out how to do it.

I've had a lot of abuse this week and I think that's what getting to me. Hopefully things start to look up.

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